Adelle - Our Angel Baby

I attended yoga this morning...  again it made me cry. 

Determined to know why, I went to see the instructor, Lana, after class.  She is so great!  She listened to me, through the blubbering and tears, as I repeated "I don't know what's wrong with me!"  I mean really, two yoga practices and, twice, tears during and after...  I needed an explanation.

In a soothing voice she reassured me that it's because I am doing it right.  I am, through yoga, getting to the trauma and with the tears letting some of the hurt go (she explained this in a much nicer way but I think I got the gist of it). 

I pondered this all day.  I admitted to myself that I have been suppressing a lot.  In a way, I am afraid that if I let go of the trauma, of the hurt and of the sadness... it's like Adelle and the memory of her will go too.  But today, after speaking with Lana, I got a little glimpse of what could be - of being able to untangle the pain from the memory.  I think that eventually I will be able to just remember her and think of her with love and happiness, as I already do but, minus the negative aspects (like the self-blame, etc.).  Granted, I still have a long way to go! But I will continue with  my yoga practice and hope that it will keep helping me heal: to face my fears head on and then to let go.

Oh, and just an aside... I succeed with the "downward dog" position this week.  :)

My mood matches the weather today... gloomy.


I feel frustrated and angry at myself and at just about everything. I didn't want to mention what I am about to write because I know the person from who it came didn't mean for her question to cause so much grief. However, I know it's something that others think purposefully and that I will have to deal with from now on.

If you loose a baby, it seems, people don't think it's such a "big deal". Or so I am made to feel sometimes.  Well it is! Adelle was alive for thirty-four weeks, her tiny heart beat 140 bpm or more, her little legs kicked, she yawned and had hiccups... She was loved by her parents, grand-parents, aunts and uncles (and still is!).  There was a place for her in our home (her nursery is still here).  My body went through everything... every single step... that every mother went through for pregnancy, labour and delivery.  And even if I didn't... those moms & dads that loose a baby to miscarriage, neonatal death or born still deserve the same respect that any parent would get if they lost a child of 6 months, one year or older.  A baby, a child, a person can not be replaced. 

I am angry at myself for letting a simple innocent question get to me this way.  I feel frustrated because I am afraid to seem ungrateful and because nothing I do can change anything that has happened. I wish I was caring for a baby instead of writing about her death...

If I seem well adjusted on the outside, never mistake that inside, my heart is shattered in a million pieces - slowly it will be mended, but there will always be a hole there - the part that I gave to Adelle to bring with her to Heaven.

Technology has proven itself to me today to be quite positive by bringing me closer to women around the World who are moms to Angel Babies.  I joined the Facebook group "Little Angel Wings".  Following the path that was set before me, I gave a little blurb about who I am and how I came to be there.

I have always been a little upset that I could not remember how much Adelle weighed... was it 3.5 or 3.6 lbs?  I used to think that I was an awful mom for not remembering that. 

I was induced at 9:50 a.m. on the morning of November 6th, 2009 and gave birth to Adelle at 3:53 p.m.  Eventhough I knew she had already passed away, I remember as I pushed, thinking that it was such a miracle.  I could feel the head, the feet. I was wishing so hard then that it was mistake, that the baby was still alive...

M and I had thought that morning that we would not want to see or hold the baby for fear it would be too difficult.  But thanks to advice from Roxanne (see previous post), the urge was so strong to do just the opposite.  She brought her to us in a warm white blanket.  I had her in my arms for what seemed like five minutes but must have been closer to thirty.  In those short minutes, I had to remember her tiny nose, her beautiful lips, her dark curly hair, the feel of her weight in my arms.  Most parents have an entire lifetime to remember the characteristics of their babies.  I only had a short time...  So, I have forgiven myself for not remembering the .1 lbs difference. 

I will never know the colour of her eyes or the sound of her laughter...  But I see her beauty in the blooming flowers, her light in the sun, the sound of her voice in birds' songs and feel her love through your prayers, friendship and care.  She was beautiful on Earth but she is more beautiful now with her little angel wings, of that I am sure.

The Angel took the book of life
And wrote down Adelle's name
Then whispered...
"Too beautiful for Earth"

Let this be said of all Angel Babies.

I used to believe in coincidences... those events that happen by "accident".  I have recently stopped believing in coincidences.  I think it is more plausible that we are given the information we need when we need it and more importantly we meet the people we need at just the right place and time.

You have most likely heard the saying: "It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them." 

Today, I received a phone call from Claire.  I met Claire at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto briefly as she is a staff member of the Fetal Alert Network.  She said she had been wondering about me recently.  Seeing as she had a few minutes today she called me.  I am not sure if this is part of her job...  I got the impression it was more than that.  I thanked her for her help (she really was a great resource for me) and asked if she could pass on the message to Dr. Greg Ryan as well.  Eventhough things didn't turn out the way we anticipated, I have so much respect for the staff at Mount Sinai.  They are knowledgeable but most importantly they show empathy, respect and understanding to parents going through a very difficult time.

While in labour at St. Joseph's Hospital in Sudbury, I was blessed with a nurse who went above and beyond her call of duty.  Her name was Roxanne and I don't think I could have made it without her.  She will never know that the first night at home, while weeping, the first soothing thought that came to me were her respect for little Adelle's body and her kind words.  It takes a very special person to do what she did.

These three very wonderful people are just some of so many who have come into my life... for a moment... and I shall never forget their kindness. 

I don't usually write on "bad" days as I have recently been made aware that loved ones (God bless them!) read this blog to see how I am doing.  Bad days are always triggered when I least expect it and often I don't know what will set them off.  It was a promissing morning, I was looking forward to my first yoga class of the year.  However on the way there, the song The Climb by Miley Cirus came on the radio and set the mood.  I had selected this song as Adelle & mine's "theme song" because I heard it for the first time shortly after I learned I was pregnant and thought that it was fitting.  I never imagined that the climb (which I now understand to be my pregnancy) would actually be more important than what was waiting on the other side.   I never imagined that we would quite litterally not be together on the other side.

Then, as if on cue, during yoga, while holding a pose that reached waaaay deep inside, I had a vision of holding little Adelle at the hospital.  The teacher instructed us to not worry if we were visuallizing past traumas, to not ask why but rather to just accept them and looked upon them with curiosity.  "Hey lady!  No problem!" I wanted to yell "I really DON'T know why this happened to me!"  The further we pushed into the practice the more inadequate and angry I felt.  I mean, what a stupid body I have that couldn't protect my precious daughter.  I hate everything about it: the flat feet, the skinny-ness (I mean, c'mon... give me some boobs and a butt!), the dark circle under my eyes...  To top it off, I can't even do the "downward dog" properly!  I know I have to learn to love myself again and to not blame myself (that's what people tell me), but it's going to take time... a lot of time. 

In the midst of all this, I received a comment on yesterday's post by my mom-in-law, Jeannine.  (She's made it to two blog posts today with her inspiring words!)  I don't think she knows just how nice her words were to read.  It's exactly what I needed to keep going and to continue on my healing journey... flat feet and all.

Click to hear The Climb by Miley Cirus

Somewhere in between not sleeping and reoccuring nightmares, I had a wonderful dream...

A beautiful orange butterfly, more beautiful than a Monarch, fluttered around me.  It came closer to me, and put it's little feet on my neck - it felt a lot like a baby's hand.  I was afraid then and started swatting it away.  I remember thinking I should stop doing that. just before I came to full consciousness, I looked back and saw the buttefly hiding (but not completely) behind a thin white post. I know it was Adelle giving me a sign... telling me that she is still near. 

You can choose to believe this or not.  I didn't realize the significance of the dream until I started telling some friends about it.  When I looked up, one of them was teary-eyed.  She said that a friend of her's had a similar dream about a butterfly shortly after the death of his daughter a few years ago.  Also, in reading "Angel Babies" by Patricia Seaver McGivern (a book that I highly recommend for anyone who has lost a baby), a father tells of a dream that he had of a butterfly and knowing that is was his baby. 

There are some people who will argue that dreams are a part of our sub-conscience and that this dream was nothing more.  But I felt such peace and love upon seeing that butterfly and hope that no one will take away that moment and that feeling from a greiving mother...

There are quite a few things I want to mention today but I think I might need to save some for another day.  I celebrated my birthday over the weekend and received two particularly wonderful "gifts".  I am sure you have heard the saying "ask and ye shall receive"... apparently this works even if you don't speak your desire out loud. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another.  More specifically how one person leads to another.  I met someone very special - through Facebook intervention - over the weekend.  I do not know her and have never met her in person but I feel grateful to have her in my life.  She lost her baby girl a year ago and was kind enough to share her story with me and open her heart to my questions and thoughts.  It brought back many emotions (for both of us) and spending a Saturday night crying might not seem like a good way to spend a Saturday at all... but it was important to pave the road to a place of healing.  I must remind you that I am very very grateful for the support of my family and friends.  However, it is so nice to speak with someone who has been through the same ordeal and who understands (what might seem like) crazy thoughts I have or had.  She is also bringing me towards other moms who have lived through this traumatic experience and I have learned recently that you can never have too many friends.

On the same wavelength it has become particularly important to me that this blog reaches more moms and dads who have lost a baby.  As if my wishes were delivered to sister-in-law Sylvie by a wispering Angel, she sent me a message yesterday with ideas on how to market my blog to others.  This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but after my "ah ha" moment this weekend, this is another very important stepping stone to keeping Adelle's life and presence a very positive one.  She changed our lives and our world and I want to help other parents who's babies have done the same.

I can't help but smile.  One of my Facebook friends started something today.... To copy and paste the following message and put it as your status: " IN MEMORY of all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried but never met or held in our arms. Make this your profile status if You or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. ♥ The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject ♥ Break the silence, In Memory of all Angel Babies gone too soon but never forgotten♥"  Such a small gesture, but of course, I oblidged! 

When I returned a few hours later so many friends and family members had followed my lead.  (Thank you!)  Particularly, I paused when I read the message on LC's and AJ's profile.  I had a vision of our babies - little Angels - together.  I know in my heart that Adelle is safe and loved.  Tonight I was reminded she has wonderful friends to keep her company... just as I have wonderful friends here with me.

So many moms have shared their experiences with me recently... stories that resemble mine and help me know I am not alone.  Our stories are not identical but the pain we share is.  Most importantly, the hope we have that we will some day be reunited with our precious Angels is overwhelmingly shared as well.  I have a feeling all of us can't be wrong.   

My cousin shared this poem with me yesterday and I think it is fitting for tonight's post:

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, and I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, your child is ok.
Your baby is here in My home, she'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, and you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

Ironically, I received messages from many friends with positive thoughts, prayers and gestures (see above)... unbeknownst to each of them that they were all doing so on the same day.  Please know how thankful I am and find some peace in knowing that you helped me smile today.

I've been tip-toeing around a subject because I feared that you, dear reader, or anyone else for that matter might judge me to be crazy.  I have read recently that some life events occur that open your heart like a flower.  Once the petals are open, the flower is ready to receive, in this case, faith or belief.  I am not sure why we have to explain ourselves when it come to this....  Tonight, after having dinner and a nice conversation with some dear friends (the JC ladies will know who they are), I have been supported and encouraged to share my thoughts.  You see...  I believe in angels.  I always have, but now even more than before. 

Sometimes, although very rarely, I feel closer to Adelle now than when I was carrying her.  It's difficult to explain and the feeling is so fragile.  One wrong thought and the sentiment floats away like the parachute-like seeds of a dandelion.  To believe is a lot harder than not believing.  The latter takes no effort at all.  But you see, I have to hold on to something and that something is invisible.  I can't see her, hear her or touch her... but when I let her, she lets me know she's here - I can feel her presence. 

Like I said, it's difficult to explain because in the same breath I would give everything to gently squeeze her toes, tickle her tiny belly and kiss her forehead.  I walk by an empty nursery countless times a day and try to picture her sleeping in the bed that was chosen just for her in a room that her daddy worked so hard on perfecting.  So eventhough she is close, she is still so far away.

You may not believe in angels and that's ok.  As for me I do not doubt that Adelle is an angel.  Throughout this difficult time, I have learned to believe in other "angels"... people like you who have supported us, shared experiences and have prayed for us. 
“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.” - Stuart Chase

I braved the cold winter winds this morning to be one with nature.  The pros say that 15 minutes in the sun can help with emotional well-being.  It's another one of those ying and yang things for me.  The benefits of the sun were outweighted by a feeling of sadness.  A few months ago when I walked the same path, I wasn't alone.  I had this little being inside of me and I was amazed with life's miracle.  I had a whole future ahead of me complete with Adelle & hubby.  Nothing else in the world mattered.  I was happy.

Like a naive child, deep down I hoped that if I showed God how much I loved Adelle by how much pain her passing caused me, I would be rewarded with her return.  Of course I know this is insane!  I am reminded of the finality every day.  Our lives meshed together for a short while but we had to go our seperate ways.  For what reason I'm not sure...  I'm still searching and I may search for a very long time.

I'm not sure where I am going with this.  I feel lost (where is my life taking me?) and just needed to write things down.  No comments required today...  I know you're reading and wish you could help but there is nothing to say.  This is my path to follow and healing takes time - one step forward and two steps back.  Luckily, tomorrow is another day.

Yesterday I held a friend's baby.  This might not seem like a big deal as I have held many babies, many times before.  But yesterday was different... it was the first time I held a baby since loosing my own. 

I have explained before that I keep seeing babies everywhere, but it's different when you see them from a distance.  When Alexy's mom asked me if I wanted to hold her, I had been holding my breath and telling myself I was doing really well just being in the same room as the little one.  I did not cry!  Alexy kept looking at me, as if to say "it's ok".  Funny how children have this uncanny way of seeing into your soul. 

So, I picked her up.  In that moment I thought to myself...  all these babies are not going to go anywhere.  I never wanted them to either.  They are all unique, and after all a person is a person no matter how small.  (Isn't that another Dr. Seuss quote?)

It wasn't a perfect moment.  I still felt a jolt of sadness when hubby held her because I wasn't able to give him his little girl.  But last night when hubby asked me how it was to hold Alexy, I wasn't not lying when I said "it was ok". 

When I found out months ago that Disney was to release an old-fashioned-type fairy tale on December 11th (the day before my expected due date), I promised Adelle we would watch The Princess and the Frog together.  It was the small goal I set for myself after our first trip to Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto. 
I never stopped wanting to see the movie, after all I'm still a sucker for happy endings.  Yesterday I sat in the movie theater, popcorn in hand, and was entranced by the movie.  As I watched, I felt that Adelle was somewhere near watching it with us.  The funny thing was, it didn't feel so much like I reached a finish line but rather that I was starting a new adventure.  So as not to spoil the ending for anyone, I will simply say that Adelle is my Evangeline.  Once you've watched the movie come back to this post and you will understand.  We have to live without Adelle physically but she is with us spiritually.

A happy ending sometimes doesn't resemble the one we imagined but it doesn't take away the magic of the story.  We have to look at the bigger picture to realize that some things happen for the best.

As if I didn't know that before... now it's really clear!  I am NOT perfect.  Then again, who is?

When I was a little girl, I always pictured myself married, with a child or two, living in a cute house.  Then for 8 months, my dream life was tantalizingly close. I could picture it all, everything from the sleepless nights and diaper changes to the first day of school and walking our daughter down the isle.  Give or take a few details. 

The great part was that I knew exactly 13 women - in my social circle - who were either pregnant or had their baby within the last few months.  I pictured play dates and discussions on what remedies work for teething and what doesn't (among many others).  And, as any normal mother, pictured my little one being the cutest of the bunch. 

Well, it seems I am the only one who will not be included in these play dates.  I know that as a nice person, what I am about to say is taboo.  I mean nobody is supposed to admit this but like I said, I am not in any way perfect.  So here goes: I am jealous.  There!  I said it!  I am not an evil person.  I don't wish for anybody to go through what I am going through and deep down I am happy for all of my friends but still... I just wish it was me. 

This is reality and it sucks.