Adelle - Our Angel Baby

So, I will put on my mascara again tomorrow morning, hope it doesn't smear (again) on the drive to work and face the day head on...  We'll see what it throws back at me.

What can I say?  It's just (another) bad day...
I looked at Adelle's picture for the first time since November.  I probably shouldn't have done that before going to work....  It brought me right back to November 6th.  The wound reopened and is bleeding freely again.

So, I finally had a meltdown and came home.  Fortunately, I was sent a special Angel Mommy, she called me and talked to me for over an hour.  It was so nice in my time of deepest sorrow (of today anyways) to be able to talk freely about Adelle to someone who understood completely (her story is so similar to mine).  And now I look forward to meeting later with Sara and to sharing with her too. 

After all, we are moms, as I was reminded today, and moms love to talk about their kids...

When I was little, I remember hearing: "Stop the World I want to get off!"  I used to think it was quite funny... Imagine!  Why would anyone want to stop the World AND get off of it?  Sadly, I am in total agreement now. 

You'll have to excuse me now as I go Google the way to stop this huge marble...

I've been wanting to write for the last few days but everytime I start a post nothing seems to make sense.  It seems whenever I find something positive to focus on, it doesn't take very long for something negative to poke it's head through.  It's hard to put into words any of the things I am feeling because none of it makes sense.

On the one hand, I am trying to have faith in a "spirit world", more specifically in angels.  I somehow found myself at a conference last weekend on the subject and became a Certified Angel Practionier.  I have a talent that enables me to receive messages from the angels.  I also got readings from perfect strangers, other students, who didn't know me from a hole in the ground who got messages from Adelle for me.  She is apparently a very playful little angel.  During a meditation, I swear I could feel her little arms wrap around me and give me a hug.  Ah, but faith is a brittle thing.  After doing an angel reading for an acquaintance yesterday, it seems the message the angels had for her, brought back a lot of old "issues".  I couldn't help but feel responsible for her sadness.  Then of course, I starting doubting the whole thing, not just if it's real but whether or not I should "go" there.  It's white, it's black but it's never gray.  So, some moments I believe and others I don't.  And when I do, I feel that people look at me funny or with the look that says "she just needs this to deal... she'll soon realize it isn't real..." 

Then of course there is work.  It seems the business world and "real" life are like oil and water.  They don't mix no matter how hard you shake the container and try to blend them.  I was asked four times yesterday by clients who saw me pregnant whether I gave birth to a boy or a girl.  Work should be a good outlet to keep my mind busy, but this only happens when people aren't asking questions like this.... because of course, I have to tell these people that "it's ok, you didn't know".  Why can't I just wear that billboard?  And why can't I just go hide somewhere when my heart breaks?

And then there are the conversations I have with family sometimes...  Whenever I mention something in front of some members it's like I can feel them getting so uncomfortable, hoping I will change the subject soon.  If I want to talk about Adelle and my pregnancy, why can't I?  I shouldn't have to worry about how it makes other people feel...

So, this just feels like a post that is going round and round in circles...  There is no point to it, other than to make me think that I will be confused for a long time.  I guess that's why they call it the healing "journey"...  sometimes you forget your toothbrush, sometimes you get lost, but sometimes you find an hidden jewel off the beaten path. 

I realized something going back to work yesterday...  I will never be the same.  I suppose I have known this all along, but today I admitted it.  There is what I've deemed the "Pre-Adelle" and the "Post-Adelle" Mireille. 

I haven't quite figured out the details of who I've become yet.  All I know is that the Mireille I am now cries a lot and has an ache in her heart that just doesn't seem to go away.  Going back to work has brought back all kinds of feelings I had burried deep within myself a few weeks ago.  I suppose it's because I have to be "on" at work.  The lady I spoke to at PBSO explained it in these words:  "Hollywood could call on us anytime".  Parents who have lost their baby really are the best actors.  We put on our makeup and voilà... instant "normal" human being ready for a "normal" day at work.

I wish that I could just wear a sign that says "My baby girl passed away".  Maybe then it would avoid awkward situations (like the lady who caused me to breakdown yesterday when she asked me how my baby was). 

I suppose sometimes you have to face things head on and suffer through them so that, in turn, they become less intense.  I had promissed myself I would get Adelle a little "Gund" blanky.  So today, although it will not make sense to anyone else, I purchased the white lamb blanky.  I had never bought her anything and though it brought tears (again), it's something I felt compelled to do...  Something that didn't require me to wear a mask or pretend.  Instead, I could just be the Mireille who still missed her precious child every single day...

I've been keeping busy this week trying to get myself and the house organized before returning to work on Monday.  Have I mentionned how much this stresses me out?  True, true... I have also mentionned that I work with a dynamic group of ladies who "have my back" as they put it.  And they are certainly not the reason I am afraid to return. 

I am stressed because a) now it's officially been 17 weeks since we lost our little angel and it feels like so much more time has passed... b) just visiting the office a couple of weeks ago, when I saw what my replacement did to my desk - gasp! - nothing seemed the same [I know, you can't expect someone to work for months and not change things to be more productive... and "your" desk at work isn't really "yours" is it?] and c) what do I say when the clients ask: so how's your baby?  or (for new clients) how many children do you have? and as a result d) having breakdowns at the office... I don't like when people, especially strangers, see me cry.

I know I can make it through this.  It's another step I have to take and as much as I know deep down in my heart that it's time...  I also know it will be difficult.  And as someone in a Facebook group that I joined to commorate lost babies put it, I am emotionally drained already.  I mean, just vacuuming yesterday was quite the feat... I am not really sure how clean the floors are because my tears were blurring my vision.  What will I do when things get crazy at work?

As luck or fate would have it, I met with three friends yesterday...  Kind of like spirits of life past, present and future, though I am not sure which is which.  I was able to just let loose with the first who helped me smile after a morning full of sobs, then got great advice for my return to work from Sara who has had to do that recently (best advice that I feel she needs credit for:  when going back to work, take it one hour at a time instead of one day at a time - it will seem more manageable), then some energy healing from Melodie. 

It is with nervous anticipation that I prepare myself for this new step and I know it will be ok. As the Beatles said it "Oh I'll get by with a little help from my friends..."