Monday, April 12, 2010
Oh crap!
9:05 PM | Posted by
Mireille |
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According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the expert on death and grieving, one of the steps to grief is a little something called "anger". Let me tell you about this fun tid-bit, because it seems you can apply the Kubler-Ross stages to any loss including loss of a job or news of infertility...
I used to be a very-patient-for-most-things individual (but very intolerant of anything that hurt anyone else). Now it seems every single little thing makes me angry... Recently I've heard people complain because of illegible handwriting...and get this... a client complained because he has to PAY for something or other for his grown-up kid. (Hello buddy! I wish!!!) Among those trivial comments are more significant instigators, like a letter from Mount Sinai Hospital asking for donations (it's funny because just before going for the MRI, I told M that after Adelle was born we were going to start donating to Mount Sinai to help them continue to save babies. I know they still do, they are great and I appreciate every expert who helped us... but still MY baby wasn't saved and now I get this letter with good news stories and a request for money. Ouch!)
The kicker is, I HATE feeling this way! My brain says "stop!" but my heart doesn't know how or vis versa. I don't recognize myself anymore... I'm tired of feeling angry, negative and bitter over such trivial and non-trivial things. I'm tired of reading into people's words and adding my own spice (my thoughts are usually peppered with jealousy and you guessed it anger)...
I hope this will pass... because of the whole grieving process.... this is by far the worst. I don't want Adelle's memory to be associated with bitterness. I love her so much, that's the emotion I want to feel.
I used to be a very-patient-for-most-things individual (but very intolerant of anything that hurt anyone else). Now it seems every single little thing makes me angry... Recently I've heard people complain because of illegible handwriting...and get this... a client complained because he has to PAY for something or other for his grown-up kid. (Hello buddy! I wish!!!) Among those trivial comments are more significant instigators, like a letter from Mount Sinai Hospital asking for donations (it's funny because just before going for the MRI, I told M that after Adelle was born we were going to start donating to Mount Sinai to help them continue to save babies. I know they still do, they are great and I appreciate every expert who helped us... but still MY baby wasn't saved and now I get this letter with good news stories and a request for money. Ouch!)
The kicker is, I HATE feeling this way! My brain says "stop!" but my heart doesn't know how or vis versa. I don't recognize myself anymore... I'm tired of feeling angry, negative and bitter over such trivial and non-trivial things. I'm tired of reading into people's words and adding my own spice (my thoughts are usually peppered with jealousy and you guessed it anger)...
I hope this will pass... because of the whole grieving process.... this is by far the worst. I don't want Adelle's memory to be associated with bitterness. I love her so much, that's the emotion I want to feel.
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About Me
- Mireille
- On November 6th, 2009, I gave birth to our angel Adelle at 34 weeks. She had already grown her wings... I am going through a difficult time and am learning a lot about myself and what it means to be the mommy of an Angel. I hope that by sharing my experiences, other angels' moms will find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth. I am blessed with the most precious family and friends. My heart will always be full of love for my Angel Baby Adelle.
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4 comments:
It does pass Mireille, somewhat :S........I still have days like that where I think the world is against me and WHY ME? But it does get easier......big hug to you. xo
Ma chère Mi,
C'est une des étapes très normal de ton deuil et il ne faut pas que tu te sentes mal, ça va passer comme le reste des étapes. Oui, tu vas sentir beaucoup d'amour pour Adelle et avec le temps ça va aller mieux.
N'oublie pas que ta famille t'aime beaucoup et si on pouvait on t'enlèverais toutes ses peines.
Love you!
Mom xoxoxooxo
You'll get there. There are no big angry clouds that love can't poke its head through.
I came across your blog thru a grief group on Facebook (I don't know which one!).
I am so sorry for your loss. Our third baby was diagnosed with spinal muscular atrophy (SMA, a wicked progressive genetic disease) and earned his wings at 5-1/2 months. We'll be celebrating his 13th angel birthday next month, and while the days are mostly really good, the 'moments' are never far off.
Allow yourself a LOT of time, as even when you think you're making progress, you'll find yourself right back at Square One. Eventually, you'll realize it takes more time to fall back and less time to move on. You also have a lot of 'firsts' ahead of you.
I wrote a book about our brief time with our baby - The Jeffrey Journey. You can learn more about it and a CD my mother wrote (Grief: Loss and Recovery) at thejeffreyjourney.com.
Many hugs from another angel mama -
Helen/'Lucy'
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