Adelle - Our Angel Baby

I don't usually write on "bad" days as I have recently been made aware that loved ones (God bless them!) read this blog to see how I am doing.  Bad days are always triggered when I least expect it and often I don't know what will set them off.  It was a promissing morning, I was looking forward to my first yoga class of the year.  However on the way there, the song The Climb by Miley Cirus came on the radio and set the mood.  I had selected this song as Adelle & mine's "theme song" because I heard it for the first time shortly after I learned I was pregnant and thought that it was fitting.  I never imagined that the climb (which I now understand to be my pregnancy) would actually be more important than what was waiting on the other side.   I never imagined that we would quite litterally not be together on the other side.

Then, as if on cue, during yoga, while holding a pose that reached waaaay deep inside, I had a vision of holding little Adelle at the hospital.  The teacher instructed us to not worry if we were visuallizing past traumas, to not ask why but rather to just accept them and looked upon them with curiosity.  "Hey lady!  No problem!" I wanted to yell "I really DON'T know why this happened to me!"  The further we pushed into the practice the more inadequate and angry I felt.  I mean, what a stupid body I have that couldn't protect my precious daughter.  I hate everything about it: the flat feet, the skinny-ness (I mean, c'mon... give me some boobs and a butt!), the dark circle under my eyes...  To top it off, I can't even do the "downward dog" properly!  I know I have to learn to love myself again and to not blame myself (that's what people tell me), but it's going to take time... a lot of time. 

In the midst of all this, I received a comment on yesterday's post by my mom-in-law, Jeannine.  (She's made it to two blog posts today with her inspiring words!)  I don't think she knows just how nice her words were to read.  It's exactly what I needed to keep going and to continue on my healing journey... flat feet and all.

Click to hear The Climb by Miley Cirus