Adelle - Our Angel Baby

I've been wanting to write for the last few days but everytime I start a post nothing seems to make sense.  It seems whenever I find something positive to focus on, it doesn't take very long for something negative to poke it's head through.  It's hard to put into words any of the things I am feeling because none of it makes sense.

On the one hand, I am trying to have faith in a "spirit world", more specifically in angels.  I somehow found myself at a conference last weekend on the subject and became a Certified Angel Practionier.  I have a talent that enables me to receive messages from the angels.  I also got readings from perfect strangers, other students, who didn't know me from a hole in the ground who got messages from Adelle for me.  She is apparently a very playful little angel.  During a meditation, I swear I could feel her little arms wrap around me and give me a hug.  Ah, but faith is a brittle thing.  After doing an angel reading for an acquaintance yesterday, it seems the message the angels had for her, brought back a lot of old "issues".  I couldn't help but feel responsible for her sadness.  Then of course, I starting doubting the whole thing, not just if it's real but whether or not I should "go" there.  It's white, it's black but it's never gray.  So, some moments I believe and others I don't.  And when I do, I feel that people look at me funny or with the look that says "she just needs this to deal... she'll soon realize it isn't real..." 

Then of course there is work.  It seems the business world and "real" life are like oil and water.  They don't mix no matter how hard you shake the container and try to blend them.  I was asked four times yesterday by clients who saw me pregnant whether I gave birth to a boy or a girl.  Work should be a good outlet to keep my mind busy, but this only happens when people aren't asking questions like this.... because of course, I have to tell these people that "it's ok, you didn't know".  Why can't I just wear that billboard?  And why can't I just go hide somewhere when my heart breaks?

And then there are the conversations I have with family sometimes...  Whenever I mention something in front of some members it's like I can feel them getting so uncomfortable, hoping I will change the subject soon.  If I want to talk about Adelle and my pregnancy, why can't I?  I shouldn't have to worry about how it makes other people feel...

So, this just feels like a post that is going round and round in circles...  There is no point to it, other than to make me think that I will be confused for a long time.  I guess that's why they call it the healing "journey"...  sometimes you forget your toothbrush, sometimes you get lost, but sometimes you find an hidden jewel off the beaten path. 

I've been tip-toeing around a subject because I feared that you, dear reader, or anyone else for that matter might judge me to be crazy.  I have read recently that some life events occur that open your heart like a flower.  Once the petals are open, the flower is ready to receive, in this case, faith or belief.  I am not sure why we have to explain ourselves when it come to this....  Tonight, after having dinner and a nice conversation with some dear friends (the JC ladies will know who they are), I have been supported and encouraged to share my thoughts.  You see...  I believe in angels.  I always have, but now even more than before. 

Sometimes, although very rarely, I feel closer to Adelle now than when I was carrying her.  It's difficult to explain and the feeling is so fragile.  One wrong thought and the sentiment floats away like the parachute-like seeds of a dandelion.  To believe is a lot harder than not believing.  The latter takes no effort at all.  But you see, I have to hold on to something and that something is invisible.  I can't see her, hear her or touch her... but when I let her, she lets me know she's here - I can feel her presence. 

Like I said, it's difficult to explain because in the same breath I would give everything to gently squeeze her toes, tickle her tiny belly and kiss her forehead.  I walk by an empty nursery countless times a day and try to picture her sleeping in the bed that was chosen just for her in a room that her daddy worked so hard on perfecting.  So eventhough she is close, she is still so far away.

You may not believe in angels and that's ok.  As for me I do not doubt that Adelle is an angel.  Throughout this difficult time, I have learned to believe in other "angels"... people like you who have supported us, shared experiences and have prayed for us. 
“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.” - Stuart Chase