Adelle - Our Angel Baby

The thing about loosing your baby is:

1) every day you wonder what you'd be doing if she was here and what she would look like
2) your body doesn't care whether or not your baby is here, it wakes up like clock work at night (every 2     hours at first and subsequently less but then it's the nightmares and reality that do it) 
3) you look for signs that your baby is with you everywhere and want to believe in them
4) you get bitter when people minimize your loss or don't want to understand the magnitude of the event
5) your relationship with people changes
6) you hate that you can't go to baby showers for people who have always been there for you
7) everything seems trivial and you hate that you don't care as much as you used to
9) nothing makes sense and the world seems really unfair

And finally:
     10) you loose a big part of yourself too

I can probably fill that list with 1000 more things, but these are just some of the things I've been dealing with lately.

I should mention that, when you loose your baby you find out who your real friends are and learn to be grateful for these people.  My little Angel Adelle has brought me to some great people and tomorrow I am excited that I will meet (in person) an Angel Mommy of 12 years who's been a great support for me lately on my hardest days.

Ever feel like you've been hit by a truck?  Then you look back to see what kind of truck it was but it drove away so fast you couldn't see anything except for the blurr?  I feel that this morning!  I've been crying so much, my head hurts and I feel nauseous.  I'm not sure what truck hit me...  might be that sleep is hard to get by or that some people have surprised me with their lack of sensitivity, or that the viel I've been hiding behind is slowly coming up and revealing what I've been avoiding at all cost to see or... or... or...  

Mostly, I think it's just that it's another day without my precious Adelle.  I think reality is setting in hard now.  It's not that I didn't realize she was gone or that I haven't been missing her.  It's more like the more days go by, the further she seems to be.  Lately, my dreams have not been of butterflies, but instead of a baby's distressed voice calling "Mommy!" over and over again and I know I can't get to her to help.

I am not giving up though.  I think it's time I try getting help from professionals.  So tomorrow I will call the Perinatal Bereavement (PBSO) and see if I can talk to a counsellor.  I've been avoiding this... thinking I could do this by myself.  I am not embarassed to admit that I am not. 

I am nervous and excited, my best friend is coming for a visit this week.  She is bringing Baby C, my Godchild (I haven't seen him since my baby shower.)  So, you may not see me for a few days but I will keep you posted as soon as I can.