Adelle - Our Angel Baby

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the expert on death and grieving, one of the steps to grief is a little something called "anger".  Let me tell you about this fun tid-bit, because it seems you can apply the Kubler-Ross stages to any loss including loss of a job or news of infertility...

I used to be a very-patient-for-most-things individual (but very intolerant of anything that hurt anyone else).  Now it seems every single little thing makes me angry...  Recently I've heard people complain because of illegible handwriting...and get this... a client complained because he has to PAY for something or other for his grown-up kid.  (Hello buddy!  I wish!!!)  Among those trivial comments are more significant instigators,  like a letter from Mount Sinai Hospital asking for donations (it's funny because just before going for the MRI, I told M that after Adelle was born we were going to start donating to Mount Sinai to help them continue to save babies. I know they still do, they are great and I appreciate every expert who helped us... but still MY baby wasn't saved and now I get this letter with good news stories and a request for money. Ouch!)

The kicker is, I HATE feeling this way!  My brain says "stop!" but my heart doesn't know how or vis versa.  I don't recognize myself anymore...  I'm tired of feeling angry, negative and bitter over such trivial and non-trivial things.  I'm tired of reading into people's words and adding my own spice (my thoughts are usually peppered with jealousy and you guessed it anger)... 

I hope this will pass... because of the whole grieving process.... this is by far the worst.  I don't want Adelle's memory to be associated with bitterness.  I love her so much, that's the emotion I want to feel.

I must say that as far as Angelversaries go, this was a good one (Of course, what do I know?  This is one of the first of many, many Angelversaries).  Sara and I distributed flyers for Angel Mommies Support Group.  We're convinced that someone (or maybe two someones) were looking out for us...  As we entered the Obstetricians' offices, NICU and funerals homes it was sometimes hard to hold it together but we found strenght to do what we felt was right.  Luckily we were greeted, for the most part, by people who were open and gave us positive feedback. 

Today I feel that I was exactly where I was meant to be... however distraught this made me feel.  (If you ask me tomorrow, I might tell you something different).  This doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't make me accept the situation, it just means that I feel that I was doing something positive and that Adelle's short life might give a purpose to mine afterall, even if she grew her wings too soon.

So, I will put on my mascara again tomorrow morning, hope it doesn't smear (again) on the drive to work and face the day head on...  We'll see what it throws back at me.

What can I say?  It's just (another) bad day...
I looked at Adelle's picture for the first time since November.  I probably shouldn't have done that before going to work....  It brought me right back to November 6th.  The wound reopened and is bleeding freely again.

So, I finally had a meltdown and came home.  Fortunately, I was sent a special Angel Mommy, she called me and talked to me for over an hour.  It was so nice in my time of deepest sorrow (of today anyways) to be able to talk freely about Adelle to someone who understood completely (her story is so similar to mine).  And now I look forward to meeting later with Sara and to sharing with her too. 

After all, we are moms, as I was reminded today, and moms love to talk about their kids...

When I was little, I remember hearing: "Stop the World I want to get off!"  I used to think it was quite funny... Imagine!  Why would anyone want to stop the World AND get off of it?  Sadly, I am in total agreement now. 

You'll have to excuse me now as I go Google the way to stop this huge marble...

I've been wanting to write for the last few days but everytime I start a post nothing seems to make sense.  It seems whenever I find something positive to focus on, it doesn't take very long for something negative to poke it's head through.  It's hard to put into words any of the things I am feeling because none of it makes sense.

On the one hand, I am trying to have faith in a "spirit world", more specifically in angels.  I somehow found myself at a conference last weekend on the subject and became a Certified Angel Practionier.  I have a talent that enables me to receive messages from the angels.  I also got readings from perfect strangers, other students, who didn't know me from a hole in the ground who got messages from Adelle for me.  She is apparently a very playful little angel.  During a meditation, I swear I could feel her little arms wrap around me and give me a hug.  Ah, but faith is a brittle thing.  After doing an angel reading for an acquaintance yesterday, it seems the message the angels had for her, brought back a lot of old "issues".  I couldn't help but feel responsible for her sadness.  Then of course, I starting doubting the whole thing, not just if it's real but whether or not I should "go" there.  It's white, it's black but it's never gray.  So, some moments I believe and others I don't.  And when I do, I feel that people look at me funny or with the look that says "she just needs this to deal... she'll soon realize it isn't real..." 

Then of course there is work.  It seems the business world and "real" life are like oil and water.  They don't mix no matter how hard you shake the container and try to blend them.  I was asked four times yesterday by clients who saw me pregnant whether I gave birth to a boy or a girl.  Work should be a good outlet to keep my mind busy, but this only happens when people aren't asking questions like this.... because of course, I have to tell these people that "it's ok, you didn't know".  Why can't I just wear that billboard?  And why can't I just go hide somewhere when my heart breaks?

And then there are the conversations I have with family sometimes...  Whenever I mention something in front of some members it's like I can feel them getting so uncomfortable, hoping I will change the subject soon.  If I want to talk about Adelle and my pregnancy, why can't I?  I shouldn't have to worry about how it makes other people feel...

So, this just feels like a post that is going round and round in circles...  There is no point to it, other than to make me think that I will be confused for a long time.  I guess that's why they call it the healing "journey"...  sometimes you forget your toothbrush, sometimes you get lost, but sometimes you find an hidden jewel off the beaten path.