Adelle - Our Angel Baby

- Seeing the little plus sign on the pregnancy test in early April and half totally freaked out and half very happy, run downstairs to tell hubby (M) who was sick that morning but gave me a hug and a smile;
-  Giving our parents the news by giving them a pair of little yellow baby socks and a note;
- Hearing the baby's strong heart beat for the very first time;
- Seeing the baby on the monitor during the first ultrasound made everything so real;
- Watching my belly change shapes as the baby moved;
- Feeling the baby do major summer saults after drinking that disgusting orange stuff to test for diabetes at 24 weeks;
- Visiting my best friend in July and staying awake with our new God Child so his mom and dad could sleep;
- Sitting in the Ob's office and getting the dreaded news (that the Dr. omitted to tell me for weeks)... there was some fluid in the baby's tummy;
- Driving to Toronto that same week in October to meet with the Specialist at Mount Sinai Hospital;
- Spending hours getting a detailed ultrasound, then speaking with the kindest Specialist who assured us that the baby's organs were perfect and that it was a cyst and that it could be operated once the baby was born;  - Meeting with M's sister that night and eating my heart out because I felt better by the diagnosis;
- Enjoying the generosity of our friends and family at our baby shower;
- Putting the finishing touches on the nursery... watching M put the crib together while putting away all the cute clothes;
- Getting worried because the baby's movements had changed but hearing the heartbeat at the Ob appointment and feeling relieved;
- Driving to Toronto in November for a follow-up appointment and an MRI, to determine whether to deliver the baby in Sudbury or in Toronto to be closer to Sick Kids;
- Getting into the MRI, then being asked with M to sit in a small waiting room because the Dr. wanted to speak with us...  The beautiful doctor with the blond hair sitting across from us and hearing her say the words "I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but..."
- Feeling numb on the way back to Sudbury;
- Being scared during labour, all the while knowing that when it would all be over there still wouldn't be a baby to take home;
- Holding our precious Adelle in my arms...
- Making plans for a funeral;  seeing the tiny casket on November 13th surrounded with beautiful pink and white flowers and feeling exasperated while moments that "could have been" slipped away
- Healing... one step at a time.

There is more to the year than that... but explaining all the emotions intertwined with these snapshots is next to impossible.  All these "snapshots" have something in common...  I always have by my side, M, my loving husband, who shared the same joy and now shares the same intense sadness and pain.  Without him...  well, I am just happy that I didn't have to go through this without him.  When destiny (or whatever you call it) brought us together, I was confident he was the man for me.  I never doubted he would be with me through thick and thin and I was right.

It has been a rough year and it isn't over yet, especially with Christmas just two days away. I know that 2010 will also be difficult... and will be different than what we had imagined and hoped for.  But it will prove (I hope) to be a time of healing and new beginnings for us...