Adelle - Our Angel Baby

There are quite a few things I want to mention today but I think I might need to save some for another day.  I celebrated my birthday over the weekend and received two particularly wonderful "gifts".  I am sure you have heard the saying "ask and ye shall receive"... apparently this works even if you don't speak your desire out loud. 

It's funny how one thing leads to another.  More specifically how one person leads to another.  I met someone very special - through Facebook intervention - over the weekend.  I do not know her and have never met her in person but I feel grateful to have her in my life.  She lost her baby girl a year ago and was kind enough to share her story with me and open her heart to my questions and thoughts.  It brought back many emotions (for both of us) and spending a Saturday night crying might not seem like a good way to spend a Saturday at all... but it was important to pave the road to a place of healing.  I must remind you that I am very very grateful for the support of my family and friends.  However, it is so nice to speak with someone who has been through the same ordeal and who understands (what might seem like) crazy thoughts I have or had.  She is also bringing me towards other moms who have lived through this traumatic experience and I have learned recently that you can never have too many friends.

On the same wavelength it has become particularly important to me that this blog reaches more moms and dads who have lost a baby.  As if my wishes were delivered to sister-in-law Sylvie by a wispering Angel, she sent me a message yesterday with ideas on how to market my blog to others.  This may not seem like a big deal to anyone but after my "ah ha" moment this weekend, this is another very important stepping stone to keeping Adelle's life and presence a very positive one.  She changed our lives and our world and I want to help other parents who's babies have done the same.

I can't help but smile.  One of my Facebook friends started something today.... To copy and paste the following message and put it as your status: " IN MEMORY of all babies born sleeping or whom we have carried but never met or held in our arms. Make this your profile status if You or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. ♥ The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject ♥ Break the silence, In Memory of all Angel Babies gone too soon but never forgotten♥"  Such a small gesture, but of course, I oblidged! 

When I returned a few hours later so many friends and family members had followed my lead.  (Thank you!)  Particularly, I paused when I read the message on LC's and AJ's profile.  I had a vision of our babies - little Angels - together.  I know in my heart that Adelle is safe and loved.  Tonight I was reminded she has wonderful friends to keep her company... just as I have wonderful friends here with me.

So many moms have shared their experiences with me recently... stories that resemble mine and help me know I am not alone.  Our stories are not identical but the pain we share is.  Most importantly, the hope we have that we will some day be reunited with our precious Angels is overwhelmingly shared as well.  I have a feeling all of us can't be wrong.   

My cousin shared this poem with me yesterday and I think it is fitting for tonight's post:

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, and I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, with confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, with other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, your child is ok.
Your baby is here in My home, she'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, and you'll know that you're the best one!
-Author Unknown

Ironically, I received messages from many friends with positive thoughts, prayers and gestures (see above)... unbeknownst to each of them that they were all doing so on the same day.  Please know how thankful I am and find some peace in knowing that you helped me smile today.

I've been tip-toeing around a subject because I feared that you, dear reader, or anyone else for that matter might judge me to be crazy.  I have read recently that some life events occur that open your heart like a flower.  Once the petals are open, the flower is ready to receive, in this case, faith or belief.  I am not sure why we have to explain ourselves when it come to this....  Tonight, after having dinner and a nice conversation with some dear friends (the JC ladies will know who they are), I have been supported and encouraged to share my thoughts.  You see...  I believe in angels.  I always have, but now even more than before. 

Sometimes, although very rarely, I feel closer to Adelle now than when I was carrying her.  It's difficult to explain and the feeling is so fragile.  One wrong thought and the sentiment floats away like the parachute-like seeds of a dandelion.  To believe is a lot harder than not believing.  The latter takes no effort at all.  But you see, I have to hold on to something and that something is invisible.  I can't see her, hear her or touch her... but when I let her, she lets me know she's here - I can feel her presence. 

Like I said, it's difficult to explain because in the same breath I would give everything to gently squeeze her toes, tickle her tiny belly and kiss her forehead.  I walk by an empty nursery countless times a day and try to picture her sleeping in the bed that was chosen just for her in a room that her daddy worked so hard on perfecting.  So eventhough she is close, she is still so far away.

You may not believe in angels and that's ok.  As for me I do not doubt that Adelle is an angel.  Throughout this difficult time, I have learned to believe in other "angels"... people like you who have supported us, shared experiences and have prayed for us. 
“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don't believe, no proof is possible.” - Stuart Chase

I braved the cold winter winds this morning to be one with nature.  The pros say that 15 minutes in the sun can help with emotional well-being.  It's another one of those ying and yang things for me.  The benefits of the sun were outweighted by a feeling of sadness.  A few months ago when I walked the same path, I wasn't alone.  I had this little being inside of me and I was amazed with life's miracle.  I had a whole future ahead of me complete with Adelle & hubby.  Nothing else in the world mattered.  I was happy.

Like a naive child, deep down I hoped that if I showed God how much I loved Adelle by how much pain her passing caused me, I would be rewarded with her return.  Of course I know this is insane!  I am reminded of the finality every day.  Our lives meshed together for a short while but we had to go our seperate ways.  For what reason I'm not sure...  I'm still searching and I may search for a very long time.

I'm not sure where I am going with this.  I feel lost (where is my life taking me?) and just needed to write things down.  No comments required today...  I know you're reading and wish you could help but there is nothing to say.  This is my path to follow and healing takes time - one step forward and two steps back.  Luckily, tomorrow is another day.

Yesterday I held a friend's baby.  This might not seem like a big deal as I have held many babies, many times before.  But yesterday was different... it was the first time I held a baby since loosing my own. 

I have explained before that I keep seeing babies everywhere, but it's different when you see them from a distance.  When Alexy's mom asked me if I wanted to hold her, I had been holding my breath and telling myself I was doing really well just being in the same room as the little one.  I did not cry!  Alexy kept looking at me, as if to say "it's ok".  Funny how children have this uncanny way of seeing into your soul. 

So, I picked her up.  In that moment I thought to myself...  all these babies are not going to go anywhere.  I never wanted them to either.  They are all unique, and after all a person is a person no matter how small.  (Isn't that another Dr. Seuss quote?)

It wasn't a perfect moment.  I still felt a jolt of sadness when hubby held her because I wasn't able to give him his little girl.  But last night when hubby asked me how it was to hold Alexy, I wasn't not lying when I said "it was ok". 

When I found out months ago that Disney was to release an old-fashioned-type fairy tale on December 11th (the day before my expected due date), I promised Adelle we would watch The Princess and the Frog together.  It was the small goal I set for myself after our first trip to Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto. 
I never stopped wanting to see the movie, after all I'm still a sucker for happy endings.  Yesterday I sat in the movie theater, popcorn in hand, and was entranced by the movie.  As I watched, I felt that Adelle was somewhere near watching it with us.  The funny thing was, it didn't feel so much like I reached a finish line but rather that I was starting a new adventure.  So as not to spoil the ending for anyone, I will simply say that Adelle is my Evangeline.  Once you've watched the movie come back to this post and you will understand.  We have to live without Adelle physically but she is with us spiritually.

A happy ending sometimes doesn't resemble the one we imagined but it doesn't take away the magic of the story.  We have to look at the bigger picture to realize that some things happen for the best.

As if I didn't know that before... now it's really clear!  I am NOT perfect.  Then again, who is?

When I was a little girl, I always pictured myself married, with a child or two, living in a cute house.  Then for 8 months, my dream life was tantalizingly close. I could picture it all, everything from the sleepless nights and diaper changes to the first day of school and walking our daughter down the isle.  Give or take a few details. 

The great part was that I knew exactly 13 women - in my social circle - who were either pregnant or had their baby within the last few months.  I pictured play dates and discussions on what remedies work for teething and what doesn't (among many others).  And, as any normal mother, pictured my little one being the cutest of the bunch. 

Well, it seems I am the only one who will not be included in these play dates.  I know that as a nice person, what I am about to say is taboo.  I mean nobody is supposed to admit this but like I said, I am not in any way perfect.  So here goes: I am jealous.  There!  I said it!  I am not an evil person.  I don't wish for anybody to go through what I am going through and deep down I am happy for all of my friends but still... I just wish it was me. 

This is reality and it sucks.