Adelle - Our Angel Baby

The inevitable is inevitable. 

I've been thinking of ways to skip this week, maybe find a cave to hide in until next Monday.  Unfortunately, as it has always done, the world keeps spinning and like it or not we're all on for the ride, including me.  This week marks Adelle's 6-month Angelversary (I take a big pause and a deep breath before replacing the word birthday with Angelversary again) and if the timing wasn't cruel enough... Mother's Day.

The thing about loosing your baby is:

1) every day you wonder what you'd be doing if she was here and what she would look like
2) your body doesn't care whether or not your baby is here, it wakes up like clock work at night (every 2     hours at first and subsequently less but then it's the nightmares and reality that do it) 
3) you look for signs that your baby is with you everywhere and want to believe in them
4) you get bitter when people minimize your loss or don't want to understand the magnitude of the event
5) your relationship with people changes
6) you hate that you can't go to baby showers for people who have always been there for you
7) everything seems trivial and you hate that you don't care as much as you used to
9) nothing makes sense and the world seems really unfair

And finally:
     10) you loose a big part of yourself too

I can probably fill that list with 1000 more things, but these are just some of the things I've been dealing with lately.

I should mention that, when you loose your baby you find out who your real friends are and learn to be grateful for these people.  My little Angel Adelle has brought me to some great people and tomorrow I am excited that I will meet (in person) an Angel Mommy of 12 years who's been a great support for me lately on my hardest days.

According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the expert on death and grieving, one of the steps to grief is a little something called "anger".  Let me tell you about this fun tid-bit, because it seems you can apply the Kubler-Ross stages to any loss including loss of a job or news of infertility...

I used to be a very-patient-for-most-things individual (but very intolerant of anything that hurt anyone else).  Now it seems every single little thing makes me angry...  Recently I've heard people complain because of illegible handwriting...and get this... a client complained because he has to PAY for something or other for his grown-up kid.  (Hello buddy!  I wish!!!)  Among those trivial comments are more significant instigators,  like a letter from Mount Sinai Hospital asking for donations (it's funny because just before going for the MRI, I told M that after Adelle was born we were going to start donating to Mount Sinai to help them continue to save babies. I know they still do, they are great and I appreciate every expert who helped us... but still MY baby wasn't saved and now I get this letter with good news stories and a request for money. Ouch!)

The kicker is, I HATE feeling this way!  My brain says "stop!" but my heart doesn't know how or vis versa.  I don't recognize myself anymore...  I'm tired of feeling angry, negative and bitter over such trivial and non-trivial things.  I'm tired of reading into people's words and adding my own spice (my thoughts are usually peppered with jealousy and you guessed it anger)... 

I hope this will pass... because of the whole grieving process.... this is by far the worst.  I don't want Adelle's memory to be associated with bitterness.  I love her so much, that's the emotion I want to feel.

I must say that as far as Angelversaries go, this was a good one (Of course, what do I know?  This is one of the first of many, many Angelversaries).  Sara and I distributed flyers for Angel Mommies Support Group.  We're convinced that someone (or maybe two someones) were looking out for us...  As we entered the Obstetricians' offices, NICU and funerals homes it was sometimes hard to hold it together but we found strenght to do what we felt was right.  Luckily we were greeted, for the most part, by people who were open and gave us positive feedback. 

Today I feel that I was exactly where I was meant to be... however distraught this made me feel.  (If you ask me tomorrow, I might tell you something different).  This doesn't take away the pain, it doesn't make me accept the situation, it just means that I feel that I was doing something positive and that Adelle's short life might give a purpose to mine afterall, even if she grew her wings too soon.

So, I will put on my mascara again tomorrow morning, hope it doesn't smear (again) on the drive to work and face the day head on...  We'll see what it throws back at me.

What can I say?  It's just (another) bad day...
I looked at Adelle's picture for the first time since November.  I probably shouldn't have done that before going to work....  It brought me right back to November 6th.  The wound reopened and is bleeding freely again.

So, I finally had a meltdown and came home.  Fortunately, I was sent a special Angel Mommy, she called me and talked to me for over an hour.  It was so nice in my time of deepest sorrow (of today anyways) to be able to talk freely about Adelle to someone who understood completely (her story is so similar to mine).  And now I look forward to meeting later with Sara and to sharing with her too. 

After all, we are moms, as I was reminded today, and moms love to talk about their kids...

When I was little, I remember hearing: "Stop the World I want to get off!"  I used to think it was quite funny... Imagine!  Why would anyone want to stop the World AND get off of it?  Sadly, I am in total agreement now. 

You'll have to excuse me now as I go Google the way to stop this huge marble...

I've been wanting to write for the last few days but everytime I start a post nothing seems to make sense.  It seems whenever I find something positive to focus on, it doesn't take very long for something negative to poke it's head through.  It's hard to put into words any of the things I am feeling because none of it makes sense.

On the one hand, I am trying to have faith in a "spirit world", more specifically in angels.  I somehow found myself at a conference last weekend on the subject and became a Certified Angel Practionier.  I have a talent that enables me to receive messages from the angels.  I also got readings from perfect strangers, other students, who didn't know me from a hole in the ground who got messages from Adelle for me.  She is apparently a very playful little angel.  During a meditation, I swear I could feel her little arms wrap around me and give me a hug.  Ah, but faith is a brittle thing.  After doing an angel reading for an acquaintance yesterday, it seems the message the angels had for her, brought back a lot of old "issues".  I couldn't help but feel responsible for her sadness.  Then of course, I starting doubting the whole thing, not just if it's real but whether or not I should "go" there.  It's white, it's black but it's never gray.  So, some moments I believe and others I don't.  And when I do, I feel that people look at me funny or with the look that says "she just needs this to deal... she'll soon realize it isn't real..." 

Then of course there is work.  It seems the business world and "real" life are like oil and water.  They don't mix no matter how hard you shake the container and try to blend them.  I was asked four times yesterday by clients who saw me pregnant whether I gave birth to a boy or a girl.  Work should be a good outlet to keep my mind busy, but this only happens when people aren't asking questions like this.... because of course, I have to tell these people that "it's ok, you didn't know".  Why can't I just wear that billboard?  And why can't I just go hide somewhere when my heart breaks?

And then there are the conversations I have with family sometimes...  Whenever I mention something in front of some members it's like I can feel them getting so uncomfortable, hoping I will change the subject soon.  If I want to talk about Adelle and my pregnancy, why can't I?  I shouldn't have to worry about how it makes other people feel...

So, this just feels like a post that is going round and round in circles...  There is no point to it, other than to make me think that I will be confused for a long time.  I guess that's why they call it the healing "journey"...  sometimes you forget your toothbrush, sometimes you get lost, but sometimes you find an hidden jewel off the beaten path. 

I realized something going back to work yesterday...  I will never be the same.  I suppose I have known this all along, but today I admitted it.  There is what I've deemed the "Pre-Adelle" and the "Post-Adelle" Mireille. 

I haven't quite figured out the details of who I've become yet.  All I know is that the Mireille I am now cries a lot and has an ache in her heart that just doesn't seem to go away.  Going back to work has brought back all kinds of feelings I had burried deep within myself a few weeks ago.  I suppose it's because I have to be "on" at work.  The lady I spoke to at PBSO explained it in these words:  "Hollywood could call on us anytime".  Parents who have lost their baby really are the best actors.  We put on our makeup and voilà... instant "normal" human being ready for a "normal" day at work.

I wish that I could just wear a sign that says "My baby girl passed away".  Maybe then it would avoid awkward situations (like the lady who caused me to breakdown yesterday when she asked me how my baby was). 

I suppose sometimes you have to face things head on and suffer through them so that, in turn, they become less intense.  I had promissed myself I would get Adelle a little "Gund" blanky.  So today, although it will not make sense to anyone else, I purchased the white lamb blanky.  I had never bought her anything and though it brought tears (again), it's something I felt compelled to do...  Something that didn't require me to wear a mask or pretend.  Instead, I could just be the Mireille who still missed her precious child every single day...

I've been keeping busy this week trying to get myself and the house organized before returning to work on Monday.  Have I mentionned how much this stresses me out?  True, true... I have also mentionned that I work with a dynamic group of ladies who "have my back" as they put it.  And they are certainly not the reason I am afraid to return. 

I am stressed because a) now it's officially been 17 weeks since we lost our little angel and it feels like so much more time has passed... b) just visiting the office a couple of weeks ago, when I saw what my replacement did to my desk - gasp! - nothing seemed the same [I know, you can't expect someone to work for months and not change things to be more productive... and "your" desk at work isn't really "yours" is it?] and c) what do I say when the clients ask: so how's your baby?  or (for new clients) how many children do you have? and as a result d) having breakdowns at the office... I don't like when people, especially strangers, see me cry.

I know I can make it through this.  It's another step I have to take and as much as I know deep down in my heart that it's time...  I also know it will be difficult.  And as someone in a Facebook group that I joined to commorate lost babies put it, I am emotionally drained already.  I mean, just vacuuming yesterday was quite the feat... I am not really sure how clean the floors are because my tears were blurring my vision.  What will I do when things get crazy at work?

As luck or fate would have it, I met with three friends yesterday...  Kind of like spirits of life past, present and future, though I am not sure which is which.  I was able to just let loose with the first who helped me smile after a morning full of sobs, then got great advice for my return to work from Sara who has had to do that recently (best advice that I feel she needs credit for:  when going back to work, take it one hour at a time instead of one day at a time - it will seem more manageable), then some energy healing from Melodie. 

It is with nervous anticipation that I prepare myself for this new step and I know it will be ok. As the Beatles said it "Oh I'll get by with a little help from my friends..."

Earlier this week I met with Sara (I have changed her name for her privacy), who is an Angel's mommy too.  We talked about so many things that I had not thought about for a long time.  It was nice, but at the same time was very difficult.  It brought back a flood of emotions and that night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while.  I realized how much I miss my little baby and how much I keep myself from feeling...

Sara lent me a great book (that she has read three times already... and I understand why).  It is called Beyond Tears - Living After Losing a Child written by parents who have lost a child.  I was flipping through the pages yesterday and fell upon a passage that spoke so strongly to me.

Since November so many people have told me things like: "You're so strong..."  or "I don't know what I would have done if this happened to me..."  Every time words like these were uttered it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.  I couldn't quite comprehend why and I couldn't put the words together to formulate a thought that made sense.  Then, highlighted by Sara (so I know she has felt the exact same thing), the author wrote:
While those in the "civilian world" may think we are consoled when they tell us they could not survive losing their child, some of us dissect such words and unfortunately attach a very different meaning to them. [...] It's almost as if they are saying that we are able to survive because we didn't love our child as much as they obviously love theirs.

I can't express the relief I felt when reading that.  It's been something that has been weighing on me for a while.  As I read a few more passages, I understood myself more.  I am not living every day... rather I am surviving every day.  There's a big difference.  Sara and I were told by different people that the pain never goes away, it just gets less intense as time goes on.  I am happy to have met Sara and that we can journey together and when it feels like the pain will never get "less intense" we can turn to each other for empathy.

Most nights I wake up in panic.  I have had so many strange dreams and nightmares... too many to recount.  This might be the reason I am so tired during the day.

Last night falling back asleep after such an episode, I had a dream that I was pregnant again.  The sensations of the baby moving and turning around in my belly felt so real.  I wished for the dream not to end, though I knew it was not real because because the details were inaccurate (I had just found out I was pregnant and had the belly of a 5-month pregnant lady), but it did. 

I have had dreams that run through my mind like a movie reel, showing the same pictures and events over and over again since November.  But this was different.  It was a nice dream, although I've been somewhat melancholic today because of it.  Trying to remember the same sensations which just aren't the same while awake (because reality is harsh during the daytime).

I am not going to analyze this dream or try to give it deeper meaning. Instead, I've accepted this as a sort of gift... A relief that maybe even in the future, dreams will be a reminder of the physical memory... 

Something great happened yesterday.  Something worth mentionning...

I had been trying to get in touch with the Perinatal Bereavement Services of Ontario (PBSO) for a couple of weeks.  It seemed that whenever the contact person tried to reach me, I had not been home.  Then last night, at roughly 9 pm, the phone rang and it was her.  Last night!  That was Saturday!  At 9 pm!  She spoke with me for 44 minutes.

I just had to write my post about that today because that showed service that is usually unheard of.  I don't care if you say it was part of her job or if she's getting paid over time (of either I have no proof).  The fact remains that she did not rest until she got in touch with me. 

She gave me some good advice and already has made me feel like I am moving forward.  It was nice to speak to someone so understanding...  someone who has not only gone through something similar but has also helped so many before me.  She has assured me that she will find a support parent for me and that I will be able to get 1:1 help shortly.

I also want to mention that I completed my Reiki Level 1 yesterday.  More on that later...

Something else worth mentionning...  I was asked my the Founder of SavvyAuntie.com to write an article on my experience a couple of weeks ago.  It is to be published on the website today.  If you're interested, please read the article by clicking here.

I was introduced to Reiki a couple of years ago by a close friend.  Since November, I have had the blessing of receiving several Reiki treatments by the warming hands of Mel. 

Essentially, Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by "laying on hands" and is based on the idea that an unseen "life force energy" flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one's "life force energy" is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words - Rei which means "God's Wisdom or the Higher Power" and Ki which is "life force energy". So Reiki is actually "spiritually guided life force energy." (www.reiki.org)


 You may or may not believe in the healing powers of Reiki, but I am living proof that it is a wonderful way to help heal the body and heart, especially while greiving.  I think that gifts like Reiki (and people) come around when you need them most. When going through a traumatic experience it's ok, and probably essential, to learn from it and take from it what you can.  For me, Reiki among others, has played an important role.
 
I registered for Reiki training a couple of months ago (after seeing the positive effect it had on me).  Starting tomorrow, I will know a lot more about Reiki and also be able to give Reiki treatments, all taught by a woman who has been doing Reiki for over 40 years.  I hope to be able to share Reiki with others, just as Mel has shared with me.

Hopefully my contact from the perinatal bereavement organization will be able to help me with making sense of all this... 

In life, when going through a particularly difficult time, I find it helps to look at the future in terms of steps.  This way, things don't feel too overwhelming.  Today I took such a step. 

As I drove to the office to meet with my boss, I felt nervous.  Realistically, we spend just as much (if not more) time with our co-workers than we do with family.  I like to concider these ladies (henceforth called the "JC girls".  And IT guy, if you're reading this, this includes you) my extended family.  So, I didn't have time to get teary-eyed as a walked through the doors, because I was welcomed with smiles and hugs.  I had a short meeting with my boss to discuss details of my return to work in -yikes!- less than three weeks.  I think it will be ok.  It is to be expected that I will have good days and bad days (see previous posts).  For the most part, these ladies understand and have all, including my boss, assured me that they will support me in any way they can. 

I have been thinking about work frequently recently.  I took this job roughly three years ago in hopes of moving up in the company.  But when I found out I was expecting, this job was perfect for a mom: nine to five and no work to bring home.  I admit, guilty, that because I am going to be working just to work now (and not to provide for a family), I thought that this job wasn't the best fit for me.  But sometimes, who you work with is more important that what you do.  It's a lesson I am reminded of every time I am surrounded by these quirky people...

We visited my sister this weekend.  It was the first time we took the highway that brings us to Toronto since our last follow-up appointment at Mount Sinai Hospital when we found out our baby was already gone.  I thought the drive was going to be the difficult part - sort of a retracing of the last steps we took before our whole world fell apart - but surprisingly it wasn't.  The hard part was taking out the suitcase, packing and ultimately unpacking it.  The suitcase reminded me of the little pijamas and diapers I had packed and had imagined that I would do again and again when travelling with our new baby.  Life's funny (not funny ha ha, but funny strange) that way.  You sometimes can't even predict your own reaction to things.  This worries me. 

I am meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss my return to work.  This is suppose to happen in a little less than three weeks.  I am anxious.  I haven't walked through that door since November 5th.  I was supposed to return to work the following Monday but never did.  This is the reason I requested tomorrow's meeting.  I want to go for a "visit" before having to return permanently.  Hopefully this will ease the "blow" of facing yet another reality.  The one where I am working just to work and not to provide for my child (now that makes any job fulfilling!)

So lies ahead quite the day tomorrow.  I wonder what my reaction will be...

So, I just thought I would let you know... Seeing and holding Baby C has been effortless.  He is still the sweet and wonderful Godchild he was the last time I saw him.  Of course I wish he was here to meet his little cousin Adelle...  I have a feeling he has a very special guardian angel watching over him...

As for me, I have been in contact with the Perinatal Bereavement organization (PBSO).  I think this will be a very good thing.  Also, I have met another woman who has lost a baby and we have decided to meet... This is very important to me as I am, finally, facing my fears head-on.

Ever feel like you've been hit by a truck?  Then you look back to see what kind of truck it was but it drove away so fast you couldn't see anything except for the blurr?  I feel that this morning!  I've been crying so much, my head hurts and I feel nauseous.  I'm not sure what truck hit me...  might be that sleep is hard to get by or that some people have surprised me with their lack of sensitivity, or that the viel I've been hiding behind is slowly coming up and revealing what I've been avoiding at all cost to see or... or... or...  

Mostly, I think it's just that it's another day without my precious Adelle.  I think reality is setting in hard now.  It's not that I didn't realize she was gone or that I haven't been missing her.  It's more like the more days go by, the further she seems to be.  Lately, my dreams have not been of butterflies, but instead of a baby's distressed voice calling "Mommy!" over and over again and I know I can't get to her to help.

I am not giving up though.  I think it's time I try getting help from professionals.  So tomorrow I will call the Perinatal Bereavement (PBSO) and see if I can talk to a counsellor.  I've been avoiding this... thinking I could do this by myself.  I am not embarassed to admit that I am not. 

I am nervous and excited, my best friend is coming for a visit this week.  She is bringing Baby C, my Godchild (I haven't seen him since my baby shower.)  So, you may not see me for a few days but I will keep you posted as soon as I can.