Adelle - Our Angel Baby

In life, when going through a particularly difficult time, I find it helps to look at the future in terms of steps.  This way, things don't feel too overwhelming.  Today I took such a step. 

As I drove to the office to meet with my boss, I felt nervous.  Realistically, we spend just as much (if not more) time with our co-workers than we do with family.  I like to concider these ladies (henceforth called the "JC girls".  And IT guy, if you're reading this, this includes you) my extended family.  So, I didn't have time to get teary-eyed as a walked through the doors, because I was welcomed with smiles and hugs.  I had a short meeting with my boss to discuss details of my return to work in -yikes!- less than three weeks.  I think it will be ok.  It is to be expected that I will have good days and bad days (see previous posts).  For the most part, these ladies understand and have all, including my boss, assured me that they will support me in any way they can. 

I have been thinking about work frequently recently.  I took this job roughly three years ago in hopes of moving up in the company.  But when I found out I was expecting, this job was perfect for a mom: nine to five and no work to bring home.  I admit, guilty, that because I am going to be working just to work now (and not to provide for a family), I thought that this job wasn't the best fit for me.  But sometimes, who you work with is more important that what you do.  It's a lesson I am reminded of every time I am surrounded by these quirky people...

We visited my sister this weekend.  It was the first time we took the highway that brings us to Toronto since our last follow-up appointment at Mount Sinai Hospital when we found out our baby was already gone.  I thought the drive was going to be the difficult part - sort of a retracing of the last steps we took before our whole world fell apart - but surprisingly it wasn't.  The hard part was taking out the suitcase, packing and ultimately unpacking it.  The suitcase reminded me of the little pijamas and diapers I had packed and had imagined that I would do again and again when travelling with our new baby.  Life's funny (not funny ha ha, but funny strange) that way.  You sometimes can't even predict your own reaction to things.  This worries me. 

I am meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss my return to work.  This is suppose to happen in a little less than three weeks.  I am anxious.  I haven't walked through that door since November 5th.  I was supposed to return to work the following Monday but never did.  This is the reason I requested tomorrow's meeting.  I want to go for a "visit" before having to return permanently.  Hopefully this will ease the "blow" of facing yet another reality.  The one where I am working just to work and not to provide for my child (now that makes any job fulfilling!)

So lies ahead quite the day tomorrow.  I wonder what my reaction will be...

So, I just thought I would let you know... Seeing and holding Baby C has been effortless.  He is still the sweet and wonderful Godchild he was the last time I saw him.  Of course I wish he was here to meet his little cousin Adelle...  I have a feeling he has a very special guardian angel watching over him...

As for me, I have been in contact with the Perinatal Bereavement organization (PBSO).  I think this will be a very good thing.  Also, I have met another woman who has lost a baby and we have decided to meet... This is very important to me as I am, finally, facing my fears head-on.

Ever feel like you've been hit by a truck?  Then you look back to see what kind of truck it was but it drove away so fast you couldn't see anything except for the blurr?  I feel that this morning!  I've been crying so much, my head hurts and I feel nauseous.  I'm not sure what truck hit me...  might be that sleep is hard to get by or that some people have surprised me with their lack of sensitivity, or that the viel I've been hiding behind is slowly coming up and revealing what I've been avoiding at all cost to see or... or... or...  

Mostly, I think it's just that it's another day without my precious Adelle.  I think reality is setting in hard now.  It's not that I didn't realize she was gone or that I haven't been missing her.  It's more like the more days go by, the further she seems to be.  Lately, my dreams have not been of butterflies, but instead of a baby's distressed voice calling "Mommy!" over and over again and I know I can't get to her to help.

I am not giving up though.  I think it's time I try getting help from professionals.  So tomorrow I will call the Perinatal Bereavement (PBSO) and see if I can talk to a counsellor.  I've been avoiding this... thinking I could do this by myself.  I am not embarassed to admit that I am not. 

I am nervous and excited, my best friend is coming for a visit this week.  She is bringing Baby C, my Godchild (I haven't seen him since my baby shower.)  So, you may not see me for a few days but I will keep you posted as soon as I can. 

You would think things would get easier with time.  Just about everybody has promised me that.  I supposed that 2 days before the 3-month anniversary of your baby's passing, isn't really enough time.  I am relieved somewhat by this fact as today I try to remember her little kicks, then holding her little body in my arms.  Some of the details grow more fuzzy every day... that's why I wish time could just stand still for a moment.

Today I miss Adelle a lot...

I have very vivid dreams under regular circumstances... add a traumatic experience and voilà: the recipe for many more dreams (some good and some not so good).  I am one of the lucky who remembers their dreams after they wake.  Last night's dream, I feel, is like a metaphore for a part of my life.

In this particular dream, the Titanic made an appearance (you know it's gonna be bad when...).  The majestic vessel was well... majestic.  M & I stepped inside and set off on a voyage.  Inside the boat was old and rusty.  I don't think I am ruining any ending by saying that the boat started to fall apart all around us.  But M & I held on to each other and there was a feeling of safety and mostly of love.  This is when I woke.... 

I think I like this as a metaphor for our relationship.  Loosing Adelle might have made us feel like our lives were falling apart but we love each other and we will be ok.  I was afraid at first... sometimes events this big drive a couple apart but for us, I feel, it brought us closer.  I hope Adelle knows that she has made a big impact in our lives...  she saved the Titanic from sinking. 

One of the things that has bothered me since loosing Adelle, is the fact that I am now/once again/maybe forever (it's still too soon to decide to "try again")...childless.  My whole life women who are childless have been described as being selfish and have been accused of not understanding anything about family (or life in general).  I have heard the expression "she's not a mother so how would she know [about being tired]..." countless times from some women who are very close to me.  I wonder now, if I will ever be able to prove that I know, probably more than they think, about life and about raising a family.  It's not something that comes with an owners' manual and I know that M & I would have been great parents - the instinct and the love was (and still is) there. 

I bring this up, because I read a very inspiring article this morning.  The founder of the SavvyAuntie website interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and she talks specifically about the selflessness of childless women.  I welcome you all to read this inspiring article:  http://bit.ly/boF8F1.