Thursday, January 21, 2010
Blame it on Yoga
12:39 PM | Posted by
Mireille |
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I don't usually write on "bad" days as I have recently been made aware that loved ones (God bless them!) read this blog to see how I am doing. Bad days are always triggered when I least expect it and often I don't know what will set them off. It was a promissing morning, I was looking forward to my first yoga class of the year. However on the way there, the song The Climb by Miley Cirus came on the radio and set the mood. I had selected this song as Adelle & mine's "theme song" because I heard it for the first time shortly after I learned I was pregnant and thought that it was fitting. I never imagined that the climb (which I now understand to be my pregnancy) would actually be more important than what was waiting on the other side. I never imagined that we would quite litterally not be together on the other side.
Then, as if on cue, during yoga, while holding a pose that reached waaaay deep inside, I had a vision of holding little Adelle at the hospital. The teacher instructed us to not worry if we were visuallizing past traumas, to not ask why but rather to just accept them and looked upon them with curiosity. "Hey lady! No problem!" I wanted to yell "I really DON'T know why this happened to me!" The further we pushed into the practice the more inadequate and angry I felt. I mean, what a stupid body I have that couldn't protect my precious daughter. I hate everything about it: the flat feet, the skinny-ness (I mean, c'mon... give me some boobs and a butt!), the dark circle under my eyes... To top it off, I can't even do the "downward dog" properly! I know I have to learn to love myself again and to not blame myself (that's what people tell me), but it's going to take time... a lot of time.
In the midst of all this, I received a comment on yesterday's post by my mom-in-law, Jeannine. (She's made it to two blog posts today with her inspiring words!) I don't think she knows just how nice her words were to read. It's exactly what I needed to keep going and to continue on my healing journey... flat feet and all.
Click to hear The Climb by Miley Cirus
Then, as if on cue, during yoga, while holding a pose that reached waaaay deep inside, I had a vision of holding little Adelle at the hospital. The teacher instructed us to not worry if we were visuallizing past traumas, to not ask why but rather to just accept them and looked upon them with curiosity. "Hey lady! No problem!" I wanted to yell "I really DON'T know why this happened to me!" The further we pushed into the practice the more inadequate and angry I felt. I mean, what a stupid body I have that couldn't protect my precious daughter. I hate everything about it: the flat feet, the skinny-ness (I mean, c'mon... give me some boobs and a butt!), the dark circle under my eyes... To top it off, I can't even do the "downward dog" properly! I know I have to learn to love myself again and to not blame myself (that's what people tell me), but it's going to take time... a lot of time.
In the midst of all this, I received a comment on yesterday's post by my mom-in-law, Jeannine. (She's made it to two blog posts today with her inspiring words!) I don't think she knows just how nice her words were to read. It's exactly what I needed to keep going and to continue on my healing journey... flat feet and all.
Click to hear The Climb by Miley Cirus
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About Me
- Mireille
- On November 6th, 2009, I gave birth to our angel Adelle at 34 weeks. She had already grown her wings... I am going through a difficult time and am learning a lot about myself and what it means to be the mommy of an Angel. I hope that by sharing my experiences, other angels' moms will find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth. I am blessed with the most precious family and friends. My heart will always be full of love for my Angel Baby Adelle.
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8 comments:
It's not your body that failed. Adelle's little body was not a strong enough vessel to hold her powerful soul.
You'll get there!
Wow - I need to come do yoga with you. I think you're doing it just right.
Mireille,
Unfortunately, we are our worst critics when it comes to our bodies and the flaws we have and take them way too seriously.
It's hard to understand why this happened to you and your little angel, but in time I hope you can accept that this was not your fault. You gave Adelle a nurturing and safe haven for her to live in while she was with you.
You are a beautiful, warm and loving young lady and Adelle is probably looking down on you and agreeing with me and all of us that love you.
You have such a wonderful strong family to help you through this and a great husband by your side.
Keep healing, sweetie.
Keep on going......somehow we make it through.....one step at a time. I know some days we take a few steps backwards but eventually the good days outweigh the bad ones. It takes time to heal.....give time, time.
Blame it on Yoga if you want but mostly blame it on human nature. It’s the way we’re made; we blame ourselves when something goes wrong. Deep down we know that it’s not our fault, but we try to find answers why things happen and usually the blame falls on us. You are looking for answers, why did you have to lose your baby, and it is so easy to blame yourself, but please don’t. You have done nothing wrong. It breaks my heart when you say that you couldn’t protect your precious daughter. Just think for a few moments, when Adelle was in your tummy, she was safe, and she was loved. Just imagine the love that she could feel from you and Martin. She knew her mommy was taking good care of herself. Just look at pictures of you when you were pregnant, you were radiant. You would have done anything to protect your precious baby, so that alone tells you that you did nothing wrong. You had no control over what happened.
You said that you have to learn to love yourself again. First of all you are beautiful, flat feet and all. I always think Martin is so lucky to have such a pretty wife, but even luckier because you are even more beautiful inside. You are a kind and loving person, and you made it so easy for the whole family to love you from the day you became part of our family. You make my son happy and for that I thank you. To watch both of you last summer and in the fall during your pregnancy, it was easy to see how much in love you are and how happy you both were to be expecting your first child. You were the picture of health. That is what makes this so unfair, for a couple to be in love and anxiously awaiting their first child and then for the dream to be taken away. It’s almost impossible to understand, it’s an emotional pain which is almost unbearable. Again, I know you must be tired of hearing this, but with time, it will get easier.
Ok, now about not writing on “bad” days. Don’t forget you started this blog to help get you through the healing process, so write on good and bad days and especially on bad days. You need to get your frustrations out, don’t hide your feelings, if it’s good, shout it out, if it’s bad, shout even louder to make sure to chase away the bad feelings. People that love you want you to be happy, so we like to hear about the happy days, but we need to know when there are bad days to offer support and get you through those as well. Everyone has bad days even when their lives are going well, so of course you will have bad days, and knowing you I know that you will get through them and you know that there is all of us to help you along the way.
Enjoy yoga, it is supposed to relax and calm you. Take it one day at a time, practice a little bit at home. I would seriously have a little talk with Bailey, he may have some hints on how to master the “downward dog”, I mean he’s a dog, he’s gotta have some idea. :) Anyway, don’t worry about yoga moves, enjoy the class, go at your own pace, breathe and relax.
Ok, now a pep talk on the skinniness and the boobs. Be careful what you wish for, you said “give me some boobs and a butt”. Have you not heard all the commercials this month about people who want less butt, and the boob thing, Mireille, I’m sure you remember Renée's birthday card from Sylvie. You remember the card, right? No more requests for boobs, right? Ok, we’re good.
I know you said before, one step forward, two steps back. It’s going to be like that for a while, but Mireille, whether they are forward or a few back, they are steps, one at a time, and eventually it will be easier to move forward.
Ok, I’m almost done, sorry this is so long. I’m glad my comment to your post yesterday helped you. If I could only have one wish, I wish I could make the pain go away. I know with time it will.
I’ve told you this before, and I hope you know that you are like a daughter to me. I would have done anything so that you and Martin didn’t have to go through any of this and you know that me and Dad are always here for both of you.
Mom XOXOXO
Mireille
Thinking of you and your family in your sadness and sorrow....
You are a beautiful person inside and out. You are stronger than you think. Especially writing this Blog and keeping us updated is great.
God had a plan for that beautiful Angel called Adelle.
Your story has made me think about the stupid things that we bitch and complain about.....
to: Adelle
Beautiful Angel, watching over mommy and daddy...one day you will be together again in Heaven.
Love the butterfly dream you had...Mireille. Love you and take care...:>) Helene Talbot McHugh
Chère Mireille,
Il n'y a rien de mal de partager tes peines et tes méchantes journées. C'est certain qu'il va y avoir des journées où tout va sembler noir et c'est normal. C'est bon de partager ses journées, ça nous aide à comprendre ta peine et tes émotions.
Si je pouvais t'enlever cette peine, je le ferais dans un instant. Comme tu dis, une maman est supposée protéger son enfant. Moi, comme ta mère qui te vois tellement souffrir, j'aurais aimé te protéger contre ce malheur.
Tu es une personne très charitable, vivante et pleine d'amour et avec le temps, je sais que toi et Martin vous allez retrouver le bonheur.
N'oublie pas que nous t'aimons et que nous sommes là pour toi et Martin n'importe quel temps que vous avez besoin de nous, bonne journée comme méchante.
Je t'aime de tout mon coeur et je sais qu'Adelle est avec vous autres et elle veille sur vous.
Love you!!! Mom xoxoxooxoxoxxoox
I've always believed in the saying "everything happens for a reason" - now i just add to it by saying, we just don't always know why at the time.......I was and am still devestated I lost my daughter but the only thing that gets me through it is if it hadn't have been for that loss, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with celiac. Sounds wierd, I know, but after I lost her, I got incredibly sick - long story short, after doc appointments and biopsies, I got diagnosed with celiac disease (intolerance to gluten) and the more one with celiac ingests it, the more you become sick (anemia, irritable bowel, osteoporosis, arthritis, migraines, etc, etc, etc)......so if I had had her, then I don't know how healthy she would have been because I was apparently so severely malnourished. So I'd give anything to have my baby, but she came to me for a reason, and even though only for a short time, it was to say "hey mum, you're sick, get it dealt with now".....
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