Thursday, February 25, 2010
No... I Am NOT Strong!
11:56 AM | Posted by
Mireille |
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Earlier this week I met with Sara (I have changed her name for her privacy), who is an Angel's mommy too. We talked about so many things that I had not thought about for a long time. It was nice, but at the same time was very difficult. It brought back a flood of emotions and that night I cried myself to sleep for the first time in a while. I realized how much I miss my little baby and how much I keep myself from feeling...
Sara lent me a great book (that she has read three times already... and I understand why). It is called Beyond Tears - Living After Losing a Child written by parents who have lost a child. I was flipping through the pages yesterday and fell upon a passage that spoke so strongly to me.
Since November so many people have told me things like: "You're so strong..." or "I don't know what I would have done if this happened to me..." Every time words like these were uttered it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. I couldn't quite comprehend why and I couldn't put the words together to formulate a thought that made sense. Then, highlighted by Sara (so I know she has felt the exact same thing), the author wrote:
While those in the "civilian world" may think we are consoled when they tell us they could not survive losing their child, some of us dissect such words and unfortunately attach a very different meaning to them. [...] It's almost as if they are saying that we are able to survive because we didn't love our child as much as they obviously love theirs.
I can't express the relief I felt when reading that. It's been something that has been weighing on me for a while. As I read a few more passages, I understood myself more. I am not living every day... rather I am surviving every day. There's a big difference. Sara and I were told by different people that the pain never goes away, it just gets less intense as time goes on. I am happy to have met Sara and that we can journey together and when it feels like the pain will never get "less intense" we can turn to each other for empathy.
Sara lent me a great book (that she has read three times already... and I understand why). It is called Beyond Tears - Living After Losing a Child written by parents who have lost a child. I was flipping through the pages yesterday and fell upon a passage that spoke so strongly to me.
Since November so many people have told me things like: "You're so strong..." or "I don't know what I would have done if this happened to me..." Every time words like these were uttered it felt like I was being stabbed in the heart. I couldn't quite comprehend why and I couldn't put the words together to formulate a thought that made sense. Then, highlighted by Sara (so I know she has felt the exact same thing), the author wrote:
While those in the "civilian world" may think we are consoled when they tell us they could not survive losing their child, some of us dissect such words and unfortunately attach a very different meaning to them. [...] It's almost as if they are saying that we are able to survive because we didn't love our child as much as they obviously love theirs.
I can't express the relief I felt when reading that. It's been something that has been weighing on me for a while. As I read a few more passages, I understood myself more. I am not living every day... rather I am surviving every day. There's a big difference. Sara and I were told by different people that the pain never goes away, it just gets less intense as time goes on. I am happy to have met Sara and that we can journey together and when it feels like the pain will never get "less intense" we can turn to each other for empathy.
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About Me
- Mireille
- On November 6th, 2009, I gave birth to our angel Adelle at 34 weeks. She had already grown her wings... I am going through a difficult time and am learning a lot about myself and what it means to be the mommy of an Angel. I hope that by sharing my experiences, other angels' moms will find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth. I am blessed with the most precious family and friends. My heart will always be full of love for my Angel Baby Adelle.
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3 comments:
"Empathy" - a very important word!!
Thank you for sharing your journey with us through the written word... remember, I am interested in YOUR story and how YOU are dealing with all this... and I would like to be there for YOU as much as I can...
-Josee
Mi,
Being someone who told you those exact remarks, I can't help but feel that I have to defend what is happening here.
You mustn't forget that although you definitely are in the core of what happened and that no one could truly understand what you're going through,
you are definitely not alone. And I mean that in a few ways.
While you haven't been through this before, a lot of us have not been either. Being on this side of the window looking in and seeing you hurt isn't easy.
Finding the right things to say to someone when they're in grief is one of the hardest things to do, aside from feeling the grief itself.
It is so difficult to find words to say that will not hurt you any further or will not result in your feeling sour towards what is said.
I can assure you that when people say things like that, they aren't intentionally trying to "stab you in the heart" or trying to somehow make the situation worst, or even trying to make you feel like you didn't love your baby.
When I say "You're so strong", I don't mean that you don't care.
I really do mean that I think you are strong. Strong to admit that you feel pain. Strong to be able to write about what you're going through and letting your friends and family know what you feel.
And when I say "I don't know what I would have done if this happened to me...", I truly mean that. It's not meant as a comparison to what you have done. It's meant as a disbelief of how tragic the death was.
So tragic in fact that I can't even put myself in that situation and begin to feel what it is that you might be going through yourself.
I think it's important that you remember that books are written by people too, and they may not have explored every side of the story they're trying to portray.
Love you and M always,
Your brother Joel. :)
Ma chère Mireille,
Ce que Joël décrit dans son commentaire, c'est comme ça que je me sens moi aussi.
Tu es une personne admirable, pleine d'amour et de compassion et nous t'aimons beaucoup.
Toi et M êtes très spécial et vous êtes un couple extraordinaire.
Love youwith all my heart!!!!
Mom xoxoxoxoox
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