Monday, February 1, 2010
Selfishness vs Selflessness
12:42 PM | Posted by
Mireille |
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One of the things that has bothered me since loosing Adelle, is the fact that I am now/once again/maybe forever (it's still too soon to decide to "try again")...childless. My whole life women who are childless have been described as being selfish and have been accused of not understanding anything about family (or life in general). I have heard the expression "she's not a mother so how would she know [about being tired]..." countless times from some women who are very close to me. I wonder now, if I will ever be able to prove that I know, probably more than they think, about life and about raising a family. It's not something that comes with an owners' manual and I know that M & I would have been great parents - the instinct and the love was (and still is) there.
I bring this up, because I read a very inspiring article this morning. The founder of the SavvyAuntie website interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and she talks specifically about the selflessness of childless women. I welcome you all to read this inspiring article: http://bit.ly/boF8F1.
I bring this up, because I read a very inspiring article this morning. The founder of the SavvyAuntie website interviewed Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, and she talks specifically about the selflessness of childless women. I welcome you all to read this inspiring article: http://bit.ly/boF8F1.
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About Me
- Mireille
- On November 6th, 2009, I gave birth to our angel Adelle at 34 weeks. She had already grown her wings... I am going through a difficult time and am learning a lot about myself and what it means to be the mommy of an Angel. I hope that by sharing my experiences, other angels' moms will find some comfort in knowing they are not alone. I am married to the most wonderful man on Earth. I am blessed with the most precious family and friends. My heart will always be full of love for my Angel Baby Adelle.
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4 comments:
I love the part in this article about the wedding and the niece. I felt the same way about Abby and our wedding. She soooo wanted to be a flower girl and even though we thought she was a little old for it, I couldn't help but give her petals and a basket. I think we rehearsed more with her than anyone else, and she stole the show at the reception, and I loved it!
Being an aunt has had such an impact in my life. It's such a blessing on so many levels. Children need adults, many adults, blood related or not. Enjoy all the nephews and nieces that come your way.
Thank you for sharing this article, Mireille... it is definitely inspiring and hit home with me as well (as I am going through my own personal journey right now). Being childless is selfless... I firmly believe that.
-Josee
You got me with this!! I have a lot of friends who have living children who (and probably not even thinking about it) talk about how no one can understand what they are going through etc etc. because they are mothers.
It's like this club that they feel I don't belong to. Everytime I hear it I am wracked with guilt. Thinking I'm such a bad mother I couldn't even bring a child into the world.
First of all Mireille, you are not childless, and certainly not selfish. You have a child, she may not be here with you, but she is still your child and you are her mother, and always will be. You became a mother the day you found out that you were pregnant. If you're not a mother, than who is the person who carried Adelle for all those months, who smiled when she kicked or had the hiccups, and selflessly went through labour and gave birth to her knowing your little angel would never go home with you and Martin. If that’s not a mother then I don’t know what is. What makes you a mother is the feeling you had in your heart when you were pregnant. You carried Adelle for 8 months and during that time she felt loved, she knew that she had been blessed with a loving mother. You anxiously awaited her birth and even though she was only here for a short time, you still held her close to you, and you felt the pain that only a mother could feel losing your first child.
I read the article and I agree with Elizabeth Gilbert, not everyone wants to get married and have children. I know several couples who are married and don’t have children, some by choice and others were simply not able to have children. They are all great people and far from being selfish.
A good example of a person, who wanted children but was not able to, and is a wonderful aunt to her nieces and nephews is our mutual hairdresser and friend Carole. I have been going to see her for over 20 years and she always talked about how she and her husband wanted children, and had gone for every test imaginable but they just weren’t able to have any. For a while they considered adopting and then they decided that if it wasn’t meant to be they would just accept it. She said that if she can't be a Mom she just wants to be a loving auntie.
A lot of couples after going through a miscarriage or stillbirth of a child will keep on trying, some go through several miscarriages or stillbirths and still they are determined to have a baby. Then there are others who decide maybe one more time, and then others will decide, never again. Everyone is different, nobody can tell you how you feel or don’t feel. Going through a miscarriage or a stillbirth is a personal experience that nobody can imagine how it feels unless they go through it themselves. Nobody grieves the same way and we all have to make our own individual choices in life.
If you and Martin decide you would like to try again for a second child, go ahead, if it’s something you both want. But never feel pressured by anyone telling you that you should. It’s your life, and your decision and never feel that you are selfish if you decide not to have any more children. If you do, one thing for sure, little angel Adelle will surely have a special assignment looking over her little sister or brother. And if not, Adelle will simply know how blessed she is to have such loving parents.
So, whatever you decide you are both parents, you are a mother and Martin is a father. And I, for the record am a grandmother. When people ask me if I have grandchildren, before November I would say, we are expecting our first in November, but now I simply say, yes, we have a granddaughter and then I tell them how she became an angel way too soon.
You and Martin always have our love and support.
Mom et Dad XOXOXO
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